Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
