It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
