So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
