im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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