There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
