I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
