today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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