apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
