Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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