I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
