maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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