My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
