Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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