I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
