fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
