She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
is wine microwaveable?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
