My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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