I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
