i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
