I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
