Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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