Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
