I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
