I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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