Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
