Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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