A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
