stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And then he peed in my hair
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