we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
