So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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