I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
