I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
