i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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