What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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