hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
