this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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