Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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