i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have aggressive nipples.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
