I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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