Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
