I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
