atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
