You smell like a Billy Joel song
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
