i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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