I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
