mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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