I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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