Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
