i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
