Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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