i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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